Now That the War is Over
by OneforSorrowTwoforMirth
Summary: WARNING: ENDGAME SPOILERS. Cap and his oldest friend have to come to terms with themselves, each other, and make some choices about the future.


**(if you somehow missed it in the summary, ENDGAME SPOILERS.) Lyrics credit to Marshmello, also the cover image is something I found on Pinterest and therefore I have no way of asking the original artist permission so please forgive me if it's yours. **

**Then only for a minute, I want to change my mind**

They were walking through Brooklyn. It was Bucky's first time back since he'd left for war. They were silent at first, so much of the city had been destroyed and rebuilt in 2012 and more of it had crumbled during those five years so that they didn't recognize most of it. Occasionally, they'd notice an alleyway that looked familiar and Bucky would laugh and say that he remembered pulling Steve out of a scrape there. When Steve didn't answer, he finally asked,

"So, what's on your mind?"

Steve Rogers looked up at his friend. "Can't an old man just enjoy seeing his semi-stable one armed jerk of a friend after the last five years? I've seen you die, what, three times now?" He said it with a smirk but felt a small knot of fear in his stomach all the same.

"Yeah, sure. But I know that look. You've got some stupid-ass idea." They passed some construction workers, families, no one gave them much of a second look.

"Banner is getting ready to send me to put the stones back. We'll probably do it after...after Tony's service next week." Steve felt another wave of guilt crash over him, like he did every time he thought about it. But he forced himself to say his friend's name. He owed Tony that much.

"You nervous?"

"Would it sound cocky if I said I wasn't? With all the crazy stuff that I've done the last couple years, it doesn't seem that scary."

"Nah, I think you've earned the right to be a little cocky."

"I'm just…" Steve struggled to phrase the question. They passed a middle school, playground still empty. Schools would start up again sooner or later. "Banner was trying to explain it to me, I didn't really get it. But you were always good at explaining science shit to me so I thought maybe…"

Bucky chuckled, "I dunno pal, that time travel stuff seems a little out of my league. A lot of the hypothetical science I talked about was probably just stuff I read out of a sci-fi novel."

"Give it a shot?"

"Yeah, alright then. What'd Banner tell you?"

Steve began, "Well, according to him the infinity stones keep reality bound together. If we remove one from the timeline and don't return it, it creates a splinter reality. And that's bad because it would leave this reality in shambles. So he's sending me to put them all back at the moment we took them so this doesn't happen."

"Right. So those splinter realities that began when you took the stones will never exist because you've already put them back."

"Yeah. Well that better happen because the time Lang and...Tony and I visited got very messed up." Bucky waited for Steve to go on. He hadn't said very much about that, only that he and Tony had been in charge of getting the Tesseract. "It's almost funny, in retrospect. We went back to 2012, when New York got attacked the first time." Bucky found it a little annoying that ever since he was out of ice, he heard about this attack on New York every few minutes. He'd read up on it while in Wakanda, and nearly had heart failure seeing the clips of the dangerous things Steve decided to do.

"What'd you do?"

"Well, long story short, I kicked my own ass, Loki got away, and Hydra thought I was one of them. And we didn't get the Tesseract, so Tony and I had to jump back to the 70s to steal it from his dad."

Bucky laughed, "You kicked your own ass? Oh God I wish I'd been there to see that."

Steve groaned, "It was so embarrassing. Why didn't you make me change that uniform when we were in the army?"

"We all thought it was hilarious!" Steve muttered something under his breath. "Alright, go on."

"We got the stone, obviously. But it got me thinking, how was I able to interact with my past self? I mean, wouldn't that deconstruct my own timeline or something?"

Bucky looked thoughtful, "Well...maybe not. That assumes your timeline is a single linear structure. If that whole paradox thing that they use in movies is true, then you wouldn't have been able to fight yourself without serious consequences."

"So...what you're saying is there can be two of me in the past at the same time?"

"From what you told me, yes." Bucky watched his friend's face carefully, "Steve, what are you planning?"

**Cause this just don't feel right to me**

"Just something Tony told me."

"Which was?"

"To get a life," Steve said half laughing, but he had a funny feeling in his throat.

"Ha. He's right. You haven't had a life since before, you know. Still doesn't answer my question, what are you planning?"

Steve didn't answer for a while. Finally, with a slight hitch in his voice he said, "I'm tired, Buck."

"Makes sense."

"I've been tired since I woke up out of ice. I tried to do what was right, over and over again and it usually didn't turn out how I hoped."

"When does it ever? Steve, you can't keep doing that thing where you try to take all the blame like some righteous martyr."

"None of this would have happened if-"

"No, Steve, shut up," Bucky turned his friend to face him, "Yeah, you messed up some. More than some, maybe. But you don't get to take that all on your head and horde it. You lost enough, stop looking for more pain to take."

"I'm not-"

"You are."

"Buck-"

"Steve _listen _to me. All your life, you've tried to soak up other people's pain and guilt because you don't want them to have to feel it." Steve tried to interrupt but Bucky silenced him with a look. "It's because you care about them, because you want to help them. You did it for me, you did it for Natasha, you tried to do it for Tony. But you end up lugging it around what no one asked you carry it in the first place. Steve, you can't have my pain. It's mine and you trying to take it only makes me feel worse."

Steve dropped his gaze. He could hear at the back of his mind the memory of a man and a woman shouting at each other in a Brooklyn apartment, a little boy hiding in the back room crying. Bucky put a hand on his shoulder.

**I wanna raise your spirits **

"You can't change what happened to me, even if you went back in time. I will always fall off that train, just like you will always end up in the ice. That timeline is fixed. You don't have to keep trying to fix it, the war is over. And we won."

"Wars are never over," Steve shook his head.

"True. But_ your_ war is. You saw how many people were there on the battlefield. Let the kids handle it. We're too old for this." Bucky dug in his pocket for his wallet and bought two hot dogs at the next cart they saw. Steve took his then said,

"Someone told me I was America's soldier, hopelessly pretending I could live without a war."

"Well, they were wrong. You just need that life Tony was telling you to get."

"I know. And I think I know how to get it."

"So what's stopping you?" Bucky wiped ketchup off his hand.

"I'd have to leave. Go back. You could come with me," Steve said, raising his eyes from the ground, "It would give you a life, too."

"I had a while to think, between feeding goats and getting my ass kicked by the Dora Milaje in Wakanda. There isn't anything left for me back there." Steve felt a jolt in his stomach, remembering finding out after he woke up that Bucky's sister had passed away just months before he was found. His parents had passed long before that, but he hadn't lived with them since he was sixteen. Steve's hand started to shake and he quickly clenched it in his lap.

**I wanna see you smile**

Bucky noticed this. "You know I don't blame you. So stop blaming yourself. You're my best friend, and I'll be damned if you give up your shot with the love of your life. Jesus, get a hold of yourself Steve, you'd seriously stick around with the likes of me instead of _Peggy Carter?_ I mean, I know I'm good looking but still!" He slapped him on the back, and managed to get a weak chuckle from his friend.

"I'd be there." He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice.

"Steve, let's face it, we're not who we were before. And we won't ever be." Steve knew he was right. Still, he didn't want to hear it.

"So that's it? After all of it? Just, leave because you can't handle the future, Steve?"

"No! Because you can't go back and fix the hand you got dealt but now you have the chance to pick up where you should have left off, with Peggy! Be honest with yourself, what is keeping you here?"

Steve tried to find the words. First it had been new wars to fight, then it had been the promise of finding Bucky, then protecting him and the others he'd met along the way. Then, it had been surviving for the survivors. Now…

"I guess...I started to get used to the idea of staying here, that maybe I could be happy. I started to let myself think when it was all over, and we got things back to the way they were...they'd all be there. And it could be like it was before. Maybe even better."

"Yeah," Bucky's face softened, "C'mon, what's keeping you here?"

"I don't know…" Steve said quietly, "I guess you are. I won't abandon a soldier."

"I know. But we aren't soldiers anymore."

Steve felt his hand trembling again and clenched it tighter. "I haven't been anything else in so long, Buck, I don't know if I'm any more than that." Bucky didn't have to say anything. He knew that feeling all too well.

"You'll never find out if you keep holding on."

The heroes waited patiently on the lawn for the service to start. Happy had come out to tell them Pepper needed a few minutes. Steve waited until Sam went to talk to T'challa and then approached Bucky.

"Banner is sending me back later."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And...I've been thinking about what you said."

"You? Thinking?"

"Crazy, I know. Bucky, you're right. I...I need to let go. We both do. Even if...even if it means letting go of each other. I just- I just need you to know that I always will be with you-"

"Til the end of the line. I know, pal."

**But know that means I'll have to leave. **


End file.
